“How are you?”

“I’m fine.”

This short conversation happens every day in classrooms, workplaces, homes, and social gatherings. For many people, the response is automatic. Sometimes it genuinely means things are going well. However, at other times, “I’m fine” may hide stress, exhaustion, loneliness, anxiety, or emotional pain that is difficult to express.

Why Do People Say "I'm Fine" When They're Not?

There are many reasons why people may hide how they truly feel. Saying “I’m fine” can sometimes be a form of self-protection. Some people fear being judged or misunderstood if they speak honestly about their emotions. Others may worry about becoming a burden to friends or family. For some individuals, saying “I’m fine” feels easier than explaining feelings they do not fully understand themselves.

Have you ever caught yourself thinking:

• “I don’t want to burden other people with my problems.”
• “What if they judge me if I tell them how I really feel?”
• "I need to stay strong. I can’t show weakness.”
• “What’s wrong with me? Why am I feeling this way?”
• “Maybe it’s not a big deal. I should just deal with it myself.”
• “How do I even explain what I’m feeling?”
• "I don’t think anyone would understand anyway.”

Expressive Suppression & Surface Acting

Expressive suppression

When someone says, “I’m fine,” their outward expression may not always reflect their internal emotional experience. This can be understood through the concept of expressive suppression, a form of emotion regulation in which individuals consciously inhibit the outward expression of emotions they are experiencing internally. Rather than expressing sadness, anxiety, frustration, or stress, they may choose to conceal these feelings from others while continuing to experience them internally.

Although expressive suppression may help individuals maintain a composed appearance, it can also affect how they relate to others. People who frequently use expressive suppression tend to show lower levels of emotional expression and report reduced feelings of interpersonal closeness. Because their emotions are less visible, others may find it more difficult to accurately understand how they are feeling or recognize when support is needed. As a result, opportunities for emotional connection, empathy, and social support may be reduced.



Beyond its impact on social interactions, frequent use of expressive suppression has also been associated with a range of less favorable psychological outcomes. Studies have linked this strategy to higher levels of negative affect, lower levels of positive affect, reduced life satisfaction, lower optimism and self-esteem, increased rumination, and lower fulfilling well-being. It has also been associated with poorer perceived social support, lower relationship satisfaction, and increased feelings of loneliness.

Surface Acting

In workplaces and social settings, people may also engage in what we call ‘surface acting’. Surface acting is a form of emotional suppression - presenting emotions that you don’t genuinely feel.

Put simply, a person may feel one emotion internally while choosing to present a different emotional expression outwardly. Rather than changing how they truly feel, they are managing what others can observe. Think of it as wearing a mask: you adjusting facial expressions, tone of voice, or body language to appear calm, positive, or composed even when you are experiencing different emotions beneath the surface to match the role you think you should be.

For example:

• Smiling while feeling anxious
• Remaining calm while feeling overwhelmed
• Speaking cheerfully to customers despite feeling frustrated
• Laughing at a joke when feeling upset or distracted
• Expressing enthusiasm for a task while feeling unmotivated
• Greeting people warmly at work while feeling emotionally exhausted
• Pretending to be interested in a conversation while feeling bored or disengaged

All of these are surface acting.

The use of surface acting is particularly common in certain occupations, such as healthcare workers, teachers, call centre representatives, flight attendants, retail staff, and hospitality workers, as they are often expected to maintain specific emotional displays.

Mental Health Struggles Are Not Always Visible

Does what we’ve explored help you see the picture more broadly?

Perhaps you previously imagined emotional distress as something that is easy to recognize—crying, panic, or visible emotional breakdowns. While these experiences can occur, mental health struggles are often much quieter and less visible than we expect.

People can:

• Appear functional and continue meeting responsibilities while struggling internally
• Cope by staying busy, joking, withdrawing, become quieter, or emotionally numb instead of visibly upset
• Appear successful, friendly, or cheerful while still experiencing anxiety, burnout, sadness, or loneliness

So, emotional pain does not always have visible signs, and it cannot always be identified simply by looking at someone. Recognizing this reminds us that emotional wellbeing is often more complex than it first appears.

The Importance of Safe Spaces: Why Listening and Safe Relationships Matter

Now that we understand why people may hide their struggles, it is also important to consider what helps people open up.

People are often more willing to share honestly when they feel:

• Emotionally safe
• Listened to and heard
• Accepted without judgment
• Understood rather than criticized
• Supported rather than pressured to "fix" themselves
• Respected when sharing difficult feelings

Think about your own experiences. Is it easier to open up when you feel safe and understood?

Sometimes, people do not need immediate solutions. What they need most is a safe space where they can talk openly and feel heard.

Practical Actions You Can Take

• The next time someone says, “I’m fine”, consider slowing down and gently checking again.
• Check in with people beyond a simple "How are you?"
• Listen with curiosity rather than rushing to give advice.
• Avoid assuming someone is okay just because they appear fine.
• Create space for honest conversations without judgment.
• Reach out for support if you are struggling instead of carrying everything alone.

This is a brief exploration of why people say “I’m fine” even when they are not. Sometimes, people use coping strategies such as emotional suppression and surface acting, which can make their mental health struggles less visible. By looking a little deeper, we can respond to ourselves and others with more awareness, patience, and compassion.

If you would like to learn more, please contact EASA.

Resources list:

Butler, E. A., Egloff, B., Wilhelm, F. H., Smith, N. C., Erickson, E. A., & Gross, J. J. (2003). The social consequences of expressive suppression. Emotion, 3(1), 48–67. https://doi.org/10.1037/1528-3542.3.1.48

Hochschild, A.R. (1993). The managed heart: Commercialization of human feeling. University of California Press.

https://www.ucpress.edu/book/9780520272941/the-managed-heart

Sikka, Pilleriin, Stenberg, Jonathan, Vorobyev, Victor, & Gross, James J.. (2022). The neural bases of expressive suppression: A systematic review of functional neuroimaging studies. Neuroscience & Biobehavioral Reviews, 138, Article 104708. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.neubiorev.2022.104708

ScienceInsights. (n.d.). What is surface acting and why is it so draining? https://scienceinsights.org/what-is-surface-acting-and-why-is-it-so-draining/